The Illusion

8 o’clock. The harsh sound of the alarm filling the ears like poison, the tethering back to reality, the smell of fresh daisies overrun by the staleness of concrete, Jason woke up with a headache. Monday mornings are always the worst: the hangovers, the late nights, the girls but the worst of it all: the dreams. They were always the same. But it was 8:15 and he had to get to work. 5 years of hostel life had taught him all that he needed to know and hence, he was ready within 20 minutes. Living close to his office meant that he could commute to and from his office within 10 minutes. He liked this small ‘morning walk’ of his, the one where you don’t need to get up early.

Jason had never understood why while most people would slag on Mondays, Fridays and pretty much everyday of the week, his boss managed to stay in top form whenever he needed to reprimand his employees. Be it for submitting a report late by even so much as a minute, or for getting his job done via them whereas he could have fun, he could always make it look like it was someone else’s fault and that someone had to pay the price for it. Jason knew his day was going to be way worse than hell when he had poached his egg. ‘If you can’t poach your egg, then someone’s going to poach you,” was what he always used to say. And boy, was he right!

‘Where’s my report, Jason?’ asked Stan. ‘I’ve got almost half of it done, sir,’ replied Jason, recounting the woman he brought home on Saturday night. ‘Well, half isn’t going to cover it boy,’ yelled Stan,’ What do I tell my boss? Sorry, but I could only complete half of it. Please do the other half yourselves!’ ‘I’ll be on it sir,’ murmured Jason. ‘I should find it on my desk before I leave today,’ threatened Stan as he left.

He set to work, drifting in and out of it, thinking of last Saturday night. It had been a wonderful night, the weather was perfect, the setting was perfect and the woman, oh the woman. Sleeping with your boss’ wife is truly living the dream, isn’t it? Maybe not, but sleeping with 3 women on the same night?? That’s bound to be close to the real deal. Yes, he was a ladies man: they loved him and he loved them. Maybe it is true after all that you don’t appreciate it if you have a lot of it. Jason never fell in love, ever! He didn’t know what love was, to begin with. Born to highly toxic parents who got divorced shortly thereafter(maybe because of him being born, who knows!), beaten by an addict, molested by her lover, sent to a foster home where more molestation and beating followed, you can highly expect someone like that to appreciate love. Love for numbers was the only thing that saved him: that scholarship, those years spent at the college, they were his true parents, the ones who loved him, nurtured him. It was there at the college one day, that a girl asked for his number and he, being immature, took it to be just an ordinary thing, until later that night, he tasted her tongue instead of Finite Element Analysis.

However, last Saturday didn’t remind him only of his sexual encounters. It also reminded him of something else, something that hadn’t happened to him for a long time, something that shouldn’t have happened!

The first day of his college. Arguably, one of the happiest days of his life. The lectures, the professors, the food, the dorms, the people, the place: everything appealed to him. They had a sort of warm welcoming aura around them, something he had never ever experienced in his life before. And he loved it all. But he experienced something strange too. Time had slowed down for him. It was as if everything else was moving at almost half the speed it was supposed to. The cars seemed to take forever to pass a signal, the pedestrians seemed to take forever to cross the road(ah but they always do!!), the cyclists, even the kids seemed to walk slowly. Was he the only one who knew how to walk and talk normally? The lectures seemed gibberish, with the pace of the lecturers decreasing by the “minute”. However, this didn’t last long and next day, he found that everyone was at the same pace as him and he felt relieved. ‘It was just a silly thing,’ he thought and put it away. And he would have kept it that way, had it not been occurring again and again and on the most important of days: the night he lost his virginity, his graduation day speech (he was the topper after all), his interview, the night he lost his mother and his step father to a bunch of high teenagers behind the wheel of an RV. But it had not happened for a long while, many years to be exact. He had forgotten all about it- out of sight, out of mind, they say- until he felt it again, lying beside Helena, her smooth body touching his, all thoughts of the work that her husband had ‘asked’ him to do wiped from his memory.

This was a feeling like no other, a feeling that all was on the path to destruction, that it wasn’t real, that he needed to make it right, maybe go shake things up a bit. But Jason couldn’t do anything: just lie there and wait for it to stop.

Being the genius that he was, he completed all his reports before Stan left that day. And Jason was in a rush. Maybe today was the day. But sadly, that was not to be. The cool, impersonal nature of the hospital reminded him of his past and hence, he hated it. But he wouldn’t dare to miss it. For today was his weekly visit to his friend, one whom he had lost to a coma exactly 12 years, 4 months and 6 days ago. This was the only human on Earth who could understand him, whom he could open his heart to and yet, Charlie had been in a coma for so long, he could hardly remember his face. Strange isn’t it that a person whom you visit every week strikes up no picture in your mind? But the truth is, he hadn’t seen his friend all this while! He was never allowed inside the room, he lay there outside waiting for his turn but it never arrived. Either the doctors had to see to him, or his parents or some other sort of formality always crept in. And it was the same today. Sitting on the bench outside the I.C.U., he imagined all sorts of conversations that could have been and could be taking place inside that forbidden kingdom. “I’m sorry but he’s no more!”, “These next 48 hours are extremely crucial,” “Be prepared for the worst,” were some phrases he had grown accustomed to, along with the loud wail or silent sobbing of the addresses.

Coming back home, he lay on his back and imagined being in a better place, a field full of daisies, a shining sun, the sound of soft laughter until he was dreaming that same dream again. Charlie was beside him, they were playing in the open field and they would have been until they heard a familiar sound that made both their throats dry. “Having fun, kids”, asked John, with a smirk. They were too scared to answer or move even as they saw him moving towards them with lust trickling from his eyes. “I just want to give you a little gift,” he went on,” you’ll like it, both of you. Its like chocolate!” Jason and Charlie both knew what gift he was referring to, so they kept moving back, as Charlie lessened the distance between them. “Oh come on now,” he was saying, ”Just one more time for papa,” until ….

Jason woke up with a start feeling himself wet and burning with sweat. He felt he had a fever. Every time, John’s hands seemed nearer than before, about to choke them with his huge hands. But he never reached them. And Jason never knew what happened next. But he knew something horrible must have happened: to Charlie and that’s why he was there in the hospital. But then why wasn’t he?? Did Charlie save him? Was he too scared to remember? He could never find out. Back to the old routine. Office, Stan, girls, sleep, dream, and so on.

It was the next Monday when it all happened. Rushing to the hospital, he discovered that Charlie, whom he had thought about every day for the past 12 years had had an attack, one that he may not survive. Every one was saying his last wishes. He hoped that today, he will get to bid goodbye to his long lost friend. He did get glimpses, once of his legs, white as snow, or his hands, still as a lake. He thought he could even hear his voice sometimes, though that would have been highly improbable.

After everyone was done, everyone looked at Jason. It was HIS turn, to finally witness his friend and try to recollect the huge debt that he owed to him. It was with some hesitation that the doctor allowed Jason inside the ICU where he felt that the walls were more rigid than anywhere else in the world. And he felt time slowing again. Maybe it was normal this time. But he realized it wasn’t until he saw Charlie. With brown hair, the same blue eyes, those red lips which were now pale, that wide brow, that sharp nose, that perfect body, Charlie was the exact mirror image of him, same in all respects. And then he realized what had happened. Time had come to a standstill: the nurses weren’t moving anymore, people weren’t talking anymore, the ECG didn’t beep anymore, everything was still. The bird that had set in flight remained flapping its wings, a perfect picture. The cars, the cyclists with their feet on the pedal in the exact same position as they were 10 minutes ago. Time was still and Jason had no idea how to make things normal again! It was the end now. Charlie was him. He was Charlie. But then what about 12 years ago?? Had it not happened??

12 years ago

 Another sleepless night. Another report. Another work. Just the usual stuff. The wolf always preys on the sheep, never on the lion. He knew he was the sheep, the day he joined, the day he submitted his first report and the day his credit was consumed by his greedy boss who managed to keep a cool charade over his wickedly dark and cunning mind. Master of tennis, squash and badminton, he was supposedly an all-rounder. But none knew that the reason for his last 3 awards and incentives was one of his less attractive employees. And none ever will.

At first, the pain was mild but then it got stronger until one day he heard the words “Cancer , terminal stage” out of his doctor’s mouth. And then one day, as he collapsed and saw the world spin, he fell into a coma.

Jason, who had been in a coma for 12 years now, had had several close to death experiences when all was lost. But he always came back. Until today. The ECG beeped once and then remained still. He had always wanted to be a ladies man: all those hopes of getting married, getting a promotion, having kids, all lay bare. Only he was stuck in a time loop forever. And he had no idea how to get out of it.

-Souradeep Roy Choudhury